I have waited a long time for some good things to happen in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have been blessed with a wonderful family. However, I have felt unaccomplished in my own life path for many years and have been searching for happiness and self worth.
While some new things have happened for me (a new job and a new car) I still live with fear that my decisions may not be the right ones. The only thing I’m sure of is I’m not sure of anything. Everything I do and will do in the future is pure risk, but I won’t know anything if I don’t give it a try.
I constantly fight with myself, weighing the pros and cons of the situation at hand, but can’t come up with what’s right or wrong for myself. So I’m just taking a chance and rolling with it. I know I will just have to keep my head up and stay positive.
It’s weird, and I think it has to do with my anxiety, but I have an inner dread in my heart when I do something new. When an opportunity arises, I initially start out excited. Shortly after that, however, I become full of fear. I start to look at the situation as more of a nuisance than an opportunity for growth. I find every possible bad thing about it and use that to persuade myself not to do it.
No more…I’m done living this way. I try to base my decisions off of what my father would want for me. He wouldn’t want me to fear anything, and he wouldn’t want me to let opportunities to pass me by. It’s the only way I can push forward. I don’t do it for myself, I do it for him because he can’t be here. He was robbed by cancer and so I will live for him and try to make him proud. Losing him caused me to lose myself. Living for him will help me to find myself again, or at least what’s left.